LUV: Aww, lovely Matt Cardle from The X-Factor! In print, his name almost looks like ‘Matt Cardie’, which is apt because he is like a cardie – a lovely thick comforting cardigan that he’s placed around your shoulders because you “look cold”. And you won’t mind that one sleeve is soggy because it probably happened while he was making you tea (to thank you for putting him up until that B&Q job comes through) and almost definitely not while he was having a wee.
His name also sounds a bit like ‘Matt Cuddle’, which is again apt because he might cuddle you for, say, helping him up from the pavement after he lay there for an hour crying because he stepped on a snail, or for blinking. And you wouldn’t even care that his hat smelt musty or that you could feel him becoming semi-erect against your hip, because he’d be crooning You Are So Beautiful wetly and heartbreakingly into your ear, and, as every womang know, that’s like, TOTES ADORBZ.
– Robyn Wilder
HAT – Oh fine, we’re going down the ‘funny things his name sounds like’ route, are we? Well if that’s what you want – and remember that I didn’t initiate this game – then here are some more.
1) ‘Matt Curdle’. Every time Matt Cardle pops up on the telly, with his dreadful infected-looking cap perched on top of his pointless scalp, and starts cranking up his horribly mannered, completely affected false modesty shtick of his for the billionth time, my piss curdles. My piss curdles.
2) ‘Twat Cardle’. Matt’s whole reason for applying for X Factor is that his heart wasn’t really in being a painter and decorator. So that means that people had essentially been paying him to do a half-arsed job on their living room walls. What an unbearably twattish thing to do.
3) ‘Fat Cunthandle’. You heard.
– Stuart Heritage