LUV – It feels like it finally happened this year. The world of social media left behind its little cadre of Nathan Barleys giving each other made-up jobs with six-figure salaries and wanking over pictures of each other’s oh-so-original beard lengths and sensible shoes, and enveloped the whole stupid world like the fug of Lynx Atlantis around James Arthur’s balls.
So now your mum communicates solely through Facebooked Victoriana e-cards detailing her gin-fuelled boudoir behaviours, you’re intimately acquainted with the uterine lining thickness of every child-bearing-aged female you know, and your dad’s just one Which? Guide To The Internet away from hashtagging his latest shit. And that, when combined with Christmas, is just brilliant. Because as social media becomes ubiquitous, one feels inexorably that the societal bonds that have tied us together in a lumbering physical space become more and more… I mean, relationships have evolved into a virtual dimension, so the need for a more traditional form of contact has diminished, in that…
Oh, fuck it. Blah blah endless Instagrams of baubles, blah blah gift humblebrags, whatever. No-one on any social media actually pays attention to anything else that anyone says on that social media, because we’re all self-centred cavemen pricks fighting for an imaginary mammoth’s attention. Social media at Christmas is the best because literally everyone is on social media now and that means all I have to do to fulfil all my festive familial and human duties is one thing:
That, my friends, took ten seconds. The time-saving is exquisite. And now it’s Babycham time. Sing hallelujah.
– Julia Blyth
HAT – If I was king of the world, and it’s realistically only a matter of time before I am, my first act would be to pack all mobile phones full of explosives. The explosives would lie there dormant for most of the year, only arming themselves at Christmas. As soon as anyone tweeted anything on Christmas Day, or wrote an insincere Facebook update about homeless people on Christmas Day, or Instagrammed an arty photo of an unopened present on Christmas Day, BLAMMO. The phone explodes and they lose all their fingers.
That sounds reasonable, doesn’t it? Because Christmas Day is not a time for social media. It’s a time for family and friends or, if you don’t have any family or friends, getting massively drunk and crying at Salvation Army music on the telly. You shouldn’t spend it idly thumbing through a list of people you’ve never met, who all keep making shitty puns about turkey to fill the gaping chasm in their souls. Leave social media alone on Christmas Day. That goes double if you’re a company. That goes triple if you’re a company advertising your Boxing Day sales. If you’re one of those, you deserve to have your fingers exploded off right now. Form a queue.
– Stuart Heritage