LUV – D’awww, wossamatta, poppet? Ooh, I can hardly hear your precious little whimper. What? You say someone turned down the corner of a page of the book you lent them? Oh no! You poor sniffly little lamb. And what else? *Gasp* They used an abbreviation, did they? An abbreviation of the word ‘Christmas’? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, you must have a sit down. Please, here’s a sugary mug of-
*suddenly flings mug across room*
FUCK OFF. You texted me today and used the word ‘u’. When we’re arranging to meet up, you can’t even be bothered to write the word ‘tomorrow’ in an email. If you had your way, that song in Annie would have gone ‘Tomo, tomo, I <3 ya, tomo, ur only a day away.’ So don’t you dare get on your high horse about ‘xmas’.
‘Xmas’ saves you time, across a number of media. Sure, it’s a bit insensitive, what with the whole cross business, but this is a season in which we perform brandy-breathed bodyslams on double yellow lines to mark the birth of our saviour, so, you know, the damage has already been done. An ‘X’ here or there is neither here nor there.
Just don’t actually pronounce it ‘Exmas’ out loud. Unless you’re spending the day with your former spouse.
– Stuart Waterman
HAT – Oh, I’m so sorry. Am I interrupting you? You’re obviously a very busy person. Look at you, marching around with a takeaway coffee in one hand and your Blackberry in another. Your time is clearly very precious. I know this because you keep writing ‘Xmas’ instead of ‘Christmas’ like a MASSIVE FUCKING TWAT.
Seriously, how do you people sleep? How can you even look at your own reflection without becoming overwhelmed with profound self-hatred? Reducing Christmas (a time of feast and family and relaxation) into something as ugly and meanspirited as Xmas (which sounds like a fucking brand of LAXATIVE) is the dopiest thing that anyone could possibly ever do. Is that how important your time is? So important that you can’t even write the full word? You’re saving five letters. What’s the most important thing you could do in the time it takes you to write five letters? Sneeze? Think about a horse? Get your finger one knuckle up inside your bumhole?
I bet you needlessly abbreviate other words, don’t you? I bet you say LOL, don’t you? I bet you say GR8. I bet you’ve referred to a person named Jonathan as ‘Jonty’ before, haven’t you? You are the single worst person who has ever walked the face of the Earth. I hope you spend Christmas diarrhoeaed up to the nines.
– Stuart Heritage