LUV – Thank god that Doctor Who’s on this Christmas. Because, if it wasn’t for the Doctor Who Christmas special, the EastEnders Christmas special would be an hour longer. And Christmas can be a depressing enough time without watching an alcoholic man punch his pregnant wife in the face inside a burning pub full of babies and puppies for any longer than you really need to.
But Doctor Who? That’s magical. After all, Doctor Who is an old man who brings joy to strangers and can travel around the world at a speed that is physically impossible, just like Santa Claus and Jesus Christ. What could be more Christmassy than that? What could be more Christmassy than trying to politely shush your mum because she’s telling you about the problems that her neighbour’s having with her leg during the bit at the end where the Doctor saves the day by rattling off a stream of incomprehensible jargon while the music gets too loud? Genuine question. What could be more Christmassy than that? Too late. The answer is nothing. Shut up.
– Stuart Heritage
HAT – Every year, the Doctor Who Christmas special is the same.
We open on a still, snowy, night-time street. A Victorian child lurches into view. Or James Corden lurches into view. Or we’re in modern suburban Wales, where someone ominously “just pops out” for pigs-in-blankets. Or all three of these things happen. THEN, ooh! Something explodes! Or a hidden science fictiony light begins to flash! Or someone in the background starts acting creepily!
And THEN? Well, you don’t know, do you, because your gran is standing in front of the television, eating half a mince pie out of a napkin and asking you about your love life. Plus your dad’s turned to ITV and your mother is snoring. So you give up on Doctor Who and decide to watch it later online.
Which is when it turns out that it was the Blorgons from planet Flingflong all along. They infiltrated Snapchat because of something to do with black hole thermodynamics you don’t fully understand because Doctor Who explains it using his fez. Then he zippedy-doo-dahs around the TARDIS for 20 minutes while James Corden shouts ‘bloody hell!’ in exactly the way Ron Weasley wouldn’t, and finally he blasts the Blorgons into a ‘paradox dimension’ just outside Swansea.
And that’s it. That’s Doctor Who at Christmas. Basically not worth it. Maybe you should do something else this year. Ever thought about asking your gran about her love life? Thought not.
– Robyn Wilder